I’m an Alpha Male Podcaster and this date isn’t going well.

Photo by neil godding on Unsplash

This date isn’t going well, I just thought I’d let you know. Your failure to compare to my dead mother has not gone unnoticed.

Don’t think you’ll ever be as good as her. She was perfect and you say the F-word too much. My mother would never swear. She also never burnt dinner, looked beautiful without any makeup, and knew exactly how I like my PB&J. Do you know exactly how I like my PB&J?

Other women try too hard, my dead mother never tried–she was already perfect. And that’s not weird–if you say it’s weird I’ll fight you here and now, and by fight I mean yell and by here and now I mean on later and on my podcast.

You’d think the revenue I bring in from selling testosterone supplements would be enough for these females, but it isn’t. Women today are broken. Not like me, I’m an incredibly high value male with an even higher value dead mother. I go to the gym, I eat that boiled chicken diet that Matt Damon used to get jacked, I have a successful podcast, and yet I can’t find a woman who compares to my dead mother.

No, I don’t think my standards are unreasonable. I have a podcast, remember. I am an incredibly high value male and all I’m asking for is a woman who will tuck me into my Lightning McQueen race car bed at night. Is that really too much to ask?

And don’t say you like video games. Every girl says they like video games. That’s my thing. My dead mother never played video games, she read books and cooked me Mac & Cheese in the shape of little dinosaurs. Can you cook me Mac & Cheese in the shape of little dinosaurs? I thought not.

I think the problem with women, since you asked, is that they spend too much time on Instagram and not enough time complimenting me on the drawing I just made. See, it’s a picture of the dog I want. That’s his Louis Vuitton wallet and that’s his Tesla. Yes, I have a Louis Vuitton wallet and yes, I drive a Tesla. Like I said, high value male.

I talked about this on my podcast, you see, women aren’t happy in the workplace. They’re happiest getting me fruit gummies and applesauce after school and asking me how my day was. Not good, by the way, another VPN pulled their ad from my podcast.

Do you think this place can do a Capris Sun and vodka? Nevermind, I brought my own. Did I mention I drive a Tesla?

My favorite movie? Probably Fight Club. Tyler Durdan is so fucking cool, but Fast and the Furious is also really good. I liked the part where they drove the cars out of a skyscraper. Yeah, Fast and Furious, Fight Club–oh, and The Land Before Time. The Land Before Time is definitely up there, but I have to close my eyes during the scary parts.

These chicken nuggets are a little undercooked. Nothing like the ones my dead mother made for me. Do you think this place serves pudding cups?

What’s that, your dog’s dying and you need to go home to check on it? That’s crazy, my last date said the same thing. What a coincidence.

Well, I’m going to go home to play Spyro and cry myself to sleep in my Lightning McQueen race car bed. I’m sorry if I came off as abrasive. I’m like that sometimes. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my dead mother. I miss her so much. I suppose that’s why I hold women to such an unrealistic standard. Maybe it would help if I had some female friends–do you want to be my friend? I’d like to be your friend, unless you want to sleep with me, that is, do you want to sleep with me? Right, your dog’s dying. Whatever, it’s not like I wanted to anyway.

Maybe the next woman I meet will compare to my dead mother.

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